Size Does Matter...

So as if Starbucks hasn't done enough to make life a living hell for every non-Starbucks barista in the world, what with all of their fancy ass drinks and flavors and what not, there's still one thing they've done that really continues to chap my ass...there god damned sizes. Why did they have to go and complicate such a simple concept. Why couldn't they just leave well enough alone and be like everyone else in the world and stick with small, medium, and large? I don't buy Venti pants do I? NO! Now before I go any further I realize this is a topic that has been addressed by a lot of different people in a wide variety of media. However! I have yet to actually hear another barista come out and say this crap is straight messed up and how much it really pisses them off, so I'm gonna be that guy. Where to begin?

First off, Starbucks has decided that they need to make their coffee unique, as if its burnt after taste wasn't unique enough. Seriously they need to exercise Satan out of their coffee roasters. It all tastes burnt. Anyways, in order to make the Starbucks experience unique they created these gimmicky names for their sizes. Tall is small, Grande is medium. Venti is large. Friggin' sign language is simpler to understand. These sizes have become the bane of every baristas existence. Why the hell do people assume that every coffee shop on the face of the earth is a Starbucks? Does Arabica translate to Starbucks in some dialect of idiot English I've never heard? To make matters worse, and believe me it gets worse than simply asking for a Starbucks size, the number of people who don't know the Starbucks sizes when they order them is mind boggling. That last sentence probably seems confusing. Why would I say they order a Starbucks size when they don't know the sizes in the first place...EXACTLY! It's all an attempt to sound trendy. Allow me to provide you an example of the typical exchange.

A person who thinks they are about to wow me with their superior coffee knowledge walks into the store. Let's call him or her Capt. Starbucks.

Annoyed Barista: "Hello."
Capt. Starbucks: "Hi, i want to get a tall coffee with..."

I failed to complete the sentence because whatever the person said after tall coffee is a complete blank, as a matter of fact its irrelevant. It's as if what was said really wasn't said at all. It's true no matter who is waiting on you. As soon as a Starbucks term comes into play we stop listening to anything you have to say and start fantasizing about how we are going to blast you for using the particular Starbucks term. It's like time stops momentarily and we enter a parallel universe. We also prepare to play stupid, and I mean ride the short bus to school stupid. We know the sizes. We know their drinks. We want to see if YOU know what you're ordering. This is how it continues...

Annoyed Barista: "Small, Medium, or Large?"
Capt. Starbucks: "Oh! A large of course."
Annoyed Barista: ".... Alright then... what was all of that again?"
Capt. Starbucks: "A large coffee with room for cream and three splendas...Oh and make it a Halfcaf."
Annoyed Barista: "Ugh..."

Yup, the person who tried to order a small coffee in Starbucks terminology ended up purchasing a large coffee when presented sizes in normal English. Even in a confident manner to boot. This happens ALL THE TIME!!! On what level does that make any sense? Did this person just change their mind at the last second? Did this person not actually know what size they were ordering? Is this proof that nothing about Starbucks' size system makes any sense in the grand scheme of things? So many questions with so many possible answers. Alright, well I think I'm gonna ponder the answers to these questions by climbing into my venti bed and curling up for a tall nap...damn it!