I Missed the Cavs Game for This???

So Tuesday night the Cavs played game two of their first round series against the Pistons. Normally I'd be parked in front of the television the entire time. Unfortunately I got to spend the entire time at my new personal hell, Target. I was "lucky" enough to somehow get the awesome 7-11pm shift. I had never worked this shift before so I didn't really know what to expect going into it. All I really knew is that the entire time I was there I was going to be wondering "what the hell's going on?" "are we winning?" "what's LeBron doing?" etc. Worst part of all. My cell phone would be in my back pocket the entire time providing me text message updates... that I couldn't check. CURSES!!! With that in mind I have decided to steal something from one of my favorite writers, Bill Simmons, and provide a diary of the pointless 4 hour shift I worked while the Cavs played.

7:00 pm
I arrive at work and clock in. I'm told to go find Debbie in order to find out what it is I should be doing for the next 4 hours. I track down Debbie and she tells me that I am going to be "zoning" for the next 4 hours. Zoning is Target speak for rearrange and reorganize the shelves. I spent the next four hours pulling boxes from the back of the shelf to the front of the shelf, grabbing clothing from the market section and food from the toy section because no one can put anything away once they decide they don't want it. All I did was take the stuff on the shelves and rearrange it to make the shelves seem "fuller" UGH! shoot me.

7:25 pm
Debbie asks me about my girlfriend. So i proceed to tell her about our situation and my two degrees and whatnot. She proceeded to rip on me for the next three hours about how I can date the same girl for 8 years and not marry her. And there it is, the running of joke of when am I gonna make the leap has found its way to Target. Can you sense my excitement? I proceeded to try and cut myself but soon realize the Hannah Montana dinnerware set isn't actually sharp. What doesn't Disney slap Miley Cyrus's face on? Everyday I find something new I swear. It's become a running joke. What will we find next?

8:00 pm
"Evening Huddle." Huddles are Targets way of getting us info for the night. What the sales goal is, what tasks need to be done, and... warm up for work. While LeBron was just finishing warming up to bash in Rasheed Wallace's skull... i was warming up for work...with arm and wrist circles. Where's that Hannah Montana dinnerware set again?

8:30 pm
Debbie drops and breaks a lamp. I like to think it's Karma on my side. LeBron apparently has dropped about 4 dunks on the Pistons.

8:45 pm
I end up answering questions about blankets. Like I know anything about blankets other than they keep me warm and can be delightfully comfortable. Karma has officially put me back in my place.

9:10 pm
Vic reports that the Cavs are up 46-32 at the half. I was genuinely excited but still kinda bummed. I would much rather have been watching this unfold rather than hearing about it second hand.

9:15 pm
YES! BREAK TIME! Time to go in the break room and watch some of the game for the next 15 minutes. I sit down right in front of the TV, turn off the walkie talkie, and officially fall off of the Target grid. The game comes back from commercial and... it's still halftime. DAMN IT! OK , it should be over soon.

9:20 pm
Still half time... come on guys let's get this show on the road only 10 minutes of break left. Apparently Drew Carey addresses the crowd at halftime and proceeded to mess up what he was trying to say. He decided to say the brown word on the microphone for about 20,000 people to hear. (for those that don't know, the brown word is shit). It's nice to see him showing some emotion though. I was afraid the Price is Right had completely stole his soul....sort of like a Succubus.

9:25 pm
Still half time... OK, now I'm just getting annoyed. How long is NBA halftime again? I try to start up a quick text message convo with my buddy Steve. He decides not to respond, ass.

9:28 pm
Awesome! I get to watch 2 minutes of the 3rd quarter. LeBron commits a foul. Well at least I can say I saw him do something.

9:30 pm
Back on the floor and back to zoning...WOO!!!! I then decide to rip into Debbie "what the hell Debbie you guys aren't any farther then when I left? What have you been doing?" "you know what new guy? Go zone the fridges and freezers. Ugh... Karma 2 Brian 0.

10:00 pm
The store is finally closed and I'm done zoning the last of the freezers. I now have frost bite. I can't wait to not be at the bottom of the bitch list anymore. Target...HIRE SOMEONE ALREADY!

10:30 pm
We've moved on to zoning cosmetics. On the plus side we can hear the TV in the break room through the wall. CAVS WIN! 94-82! On the negative side. Zoning cosmetics is like trying to sort out the wreckage after two trains collide. It's a mess, it's going to take hours to clean up and sort through all of the carnage. It's impossible to tell which bottle of nail polish or severed arm goes where. The only plus side about the train wreck...once it's cleaned up it's over. With the cosmetics aisles you know that in 12 hours its going to be a wreck again. It's a never ending battle that you will never win...EVER!

10:45 pm
Finally into chemicals. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just make the Tide end cap look fancy and full of product and we're done. Debbie chimes in again for about the 400th time about dating my girlfriend for as long as I've dated her. Is this night over yet.

11:00 pm
Punch out, stand around and wait to be released back into the world. Zoning the market section made me hungry so I decided once I left I was going to stop and pick up a bit e to eat. I reach into my pocket to see how much cash I had on me. I forgot my wallet at home. I'm going to bed hungry. Karma 3 Brian 0. Debbie apologizes about all the ribbing she did tonight. I say it's OK and I don't really mind it. Admittedly even I think it's hilarious. She hits me for the 401st time. Damn it...

11:20 pm - 12 am
I get home, shower, and fall asleep knowing I had to be back there... in 7 hours

So there you have it. That is how I spent my Tuesday night in Target rather than in front of the TV. Is getting a paycheck really worth all of this? I have no idea. What I do know is that I have the rest of the Cavs playoff schedule printed and up on my wall. Ironically I think I can feel myself starting to come down with something *cough cough*